#45 Gigantomachia: The Titans Died on Television

This topic is roughly about awkward romances.

Ben, Kyron, Mike, Antoine, Andrew and Brandon first come to mind.

They were all awkward huggers, slow dancers and back-crackers. The shit never made sense to me.

Brandon. Brandon had a goofy look and goofy long embraces. He reminded me of one of those stress toys whose eyes pop out under pressure. Cuddling him felt immensely weird. Coddling him even more so.

Mike. I first realized Mike was pretty stupid after seconds of interacting with him. When he said “y’all can touch us but we can’t hug y’all” I realized I was dealing with a sensory idiot. He appeared to be looking for a storyline of appreciation.

Speaking of storylines, Antoine actually managed to bring one to life. Living kids. A legal wife. Only his security company would know what kind of fences. I caught this same vibe from Antoine the moment he walked into the revolving doors. I found most of what he said after that weird – ‘you act like you from Cali,’ etc. He was unnaturally large and feral. Also, playing it cool to the max, or I don’t know–maybe at the lowest setting.  He also thought too highly of himself. This has to be the most intense portrayal of “feeling oneself” that I have ever witnessed. 

Note. This is a major clue to the purpose of the total war. Only, it’s presented seemingly backwards and in a romantic or an intimate sense.

None of This is Real

Quel has only played the role of filling in the blanks in other’s illusions. Made to make others feel they were near someone who cared for them. I guess it’s okay in the grand scheme of things. I realize I failed to see many different perspectives.

Andrew was certain I’d fit into some role of a loving female figure in his life. ‘You the one I want to want me.’ How the fuck could he mix me up with lyrics from a Jason Derulo song. ‘Nobody makes me feel this way.’ I always assumed no one made him feel this way either because no one really gave a fuck as long as they could steer him a-(my) way. Indefinitely. He wanted to have the world, have me hold it and tell me I couldn’t be in it.

Not so ironically, he compared me to his dad a lot. 

I also get the feeling his mother is indifferent towards him. I can’t blame her. I know he annoys his grandmother. 

He threatened ME with physical violence on several occasions.

He blurted out verbally once, basically at random, that he had told his wife: ‘if we didn’t have a son I would hit you.’ I didn’t know what to do. It was clearly a scare tactic. He also appeared to have not been drinking at the time so, withdrawal could have been an issue. This was also one of those moments when he was QUITE, literally, at-his-wits-end. In this particular state, someone actively working to outthink, misdirect and control another begins losing their footing entirely. The mask doesn’t slip. It falls off.

He also plucked my nipple. Grabbed my pussy. Made several references to raping an informant. This ties directly to Trump/election rhetoric as permission (mental) structure. Andrew was a poster child for it. 

I appeared to have only played the role of an easy target. 

Because it’s SUPPOSED to be ME–not him. 

Species Report

Kyron was emotionally unstable. He also suggested that he and his mother physically fought–a lot. I never understood his relationship with his sister. He had that awkward lizard, iguana type face. I found it immensely hideous. He and Andrew share this schema. Animal looks.

Ben was a leech. Hard to break away from. Toxic. Always produced the same confused and languished effect in my brain as Kyron, Andrew, Antoine, Mike and Brandon. Tongue clicking. Teeth sucking. Neck cracking. He basically came through the phone when he called me a “dog”. I wonder if his “dogs” have been living voodoo dolls of me. Hmm.

What connects them all is emotional instability, immaturity and recklessness – they’d perform romance while simultaneously mocking and trying to diminish me. Each one was insecure and weak-minded, intimidated by me as a person and by my initial rejection of them in their entirety. I recognized them as repulsive from the start. 

The relentless dissonance-

This is where something deeper lives. More cryptic in their presence – and certain in their absence. 

They are operating below (or above) the threshold of spoken language.

-It’s the noise.