Eewww. 

I am attempting to understand the “majick” or demon-minded beliefs behind the habit (or function) of pretending to TEACH me something.

And teaching in this sense is extremely active!

It’s an affect-ive state in which one positions themselves as teaching something. 

Often, they’re idiots!

Where I struggled before was viewing this as simply taking credit for someone else’s personal growth, knowledge or experience. I now see it as a legit energy extracting event.

Raquel is a great example of what I am referencing here.

As the mother figure, I struggle to consolidate the character roles of ‘life-giver’ with ‘life-taker’. This woman was genuinely after me while posing as a mother figure.

This triggers memories of her reciting things like ‘I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it’ and ‘so, fuck them, they’re my children. I have to bury them.’ These were not expressions of frustration. They were literal attempts to redirect my life force. To extinguish it. This woman more than hated me – she was actively trying to destroy me.

Now, the example most relevant to this entry’s theme is that whole sentence finishing phase Raquel went through where she would be hyperactively talking over me but attempting to make it look like she had either said it first and I was repeating it or that we were in sync. I initially wrote this off as sheer dumbness. I equally wrote it off as connected to her tendency to narrate and lead dialogue – inserting her interpretation of events mid-sentence, guiding what another person is saying before they’ve finished saying it. 

It’s Familiar

Monica’s ‘Did I put you on that?’ Andrew’s ‘I think you’ve gotten much better and I think it’s because of me.’ Raquel’s tears wet enough to taste. Maggie’s cooking lessons, forced conversations, performed grief for a south she romanticized.

All of it–authorship theft wearing different clothing.

The same people both possess and disrupt – depending on what’s available in the moment. When possession is possible they claim you. When it isn’t they destabilize you instead.

It’s Black magic.

And techniques. It’s all about techniques.

More examples from ACTUAL teacher or professor roles include: Ian’s hand swatting motion(s). His use of ‘forget that’ and ‘do you agree?’ Han’s mean-mugging. Yvette’s Zoom recording, lying and short bus insult. Carlin also recorded me and bluntly dismissed my ambition – ‘My business. My business.’ Bridgette spent two or three semesters checking my understanding. ‘Explain it.’ ‘When a person doesn’t have anything to say they write a lot of words.’ ‘Oh, you have an awesome poker face.’ Susan hit me on several occasions. A hand tap every time I approached her. A ferocious hugger. Once hit me with a stack of papers during class.

It’s a wonder I am able to learn anything in the midst of all of this.

Whew!